


And now you're on to something

by bertie



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Hipster Vlogger AU, M/M, Vancouver Canucks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2017-12-30 19:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertie/pseuds/bertie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex vlogs about his daily life and also falls in love with the guy behind the counter at Tim Hortons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It’s raining outside and it’s a Tuesday. Alex cracks the window beside his chair because he loves the way it smells when it rains and pulls his sweater a little closer around him as he sits down. His laptop sits on a table in front of him and he leans forward to click the record button.

“Hi, everyone! It’s Tuesday and that means you should send me all your questions for tomorrow’s video and I will answer them. But I’ve gotten a lot of requests lately to talk about my— _euh_ —dating life. Well, I don’t really have a dating life. Not since two years ago after I finally broke up with my ex-boyfriend. He was…mean and always told me I dressed like a girl.”

Alex plays with a snag in his sweater and sighs heavily.

“He hated that I didn’t like to go out with his friends to clubs and bars. I like to stay home and watch movies or hockey but he loved to go to parties.”

He has to wipes his eyes with his sleeve, sniffles a little. “He never liked what I wore or how I acted and always told me he had to cater to my idio-ido—I can’t even remember the word.”

He stops the recording for a long time, takes off his glasses to scrub at his eyes and try not to sob. After a while, his breathing steadies and he can start up again. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

“Okay, my ideal boyfriend would be tall and very muscular and very protective. I’m a very nervous person and I want someone who would understand. I want someone who loves hockey and wants to take things slow. I don’t prefer any hair or eye color but I’m not usually attracted to blonds.” He shrugs. “I care more about how a person acts and what they like or don’t like than how they look.”

The rain starts to let up and that means he can head down to the Tim Horton’s on the corner for his favorite donut they only have on Tuesdays.

“Well, I get to go have my maple dip donut after all! Ohh, there’s a cashier at the Tim Horton’s near my apartment who is really cute. He’s tall and has really broad shoulders and his hands are—oh I shouldn’t say these things. I’m sorry. Okay— _euh_ —I will see you all tomorrow and send me your questions!”

Alex stops the recording and hits publish as he stands. He closes the window and picks a scarf off the little rack beside his door. He grabs his favorite umbrella and his satchel and heads out into the rain.

The walk isn’t far and he doesn’t get too wet on the way, but he’s still delighted to duck into the shop where it’s warm and smells sweet. He shakes the rain from his umbrella out the door and takes off his beanie when he walks inside. His favorite cashier is there and Ryan is big and imposing behind the counter but friendly to everyone he helps. His smile is open and his hair is messy in an intentional, endearing way.

Alex smiles shyly when Ryan waves him up to the counter, holding his umbrella and beanie in front of him. “Hello.”

“Hey, what can I get you? The usual?” Ryan asks him, that smile makes Alex’s heart beat faster and he knows his cheeks turn pink.

“Yeah, the usual,” he says. He takes out the bills for the donuts and leaves the change in Ryan’s tip jar.

“Thank you very much,” he croons, grinning wide. “You can take a seat and I’ll bring you your order.”

Alex smiles and finds a high-top table near the wall and hooks his umbrella on the chair before hoisting himself up into it. He pulls out his Kindle and turns it on while he waits. Then a little tray is being slid onto the table in front of him and it’s much more than he ordered.

Ryan stands there with a smug little smile and Alex feels himself fall even more in love with him. “I brought you one of our tea lattes—on the house. I’ve seen you bring tea before and you don’t usually get something to drink here so I thought you might like to try one since you don’t have anything today. And I brought you sugar because I don’t know how you like your tea.”

A mug of something milky and steaming looks up at Alex invitingly and a little pile of sugar cubes beside his donuts makes him smile up at Ryan.

“Thank you, I appreciate it.” He sees Ryan duck his head a little before the other cashier—a loud, muscular man named Kevin—calls him back.

“Enjoy,” Ryan says quickly before he leaves and Alex watches him leave appreciatively.

The jeans he’s wearing hug his legs and backside perfectly, showing the slightest shift of muscle underneath the denim. Alex chews on his lip as he watches Ryan work behind the counter for a moment and then turns to his donuts and drink. He reads several chapters on his Kindle and thoroughly enjoys his maple dip donuts and finds Ryan’s suggestion delicious. When he finishes, he discards his trash and goes to return the mug and tray to Ryan.

“How’d you like it?” He asks as he takes the dishes from Alex.

Alex grins. “I loved it. Thank you so much.”

“Of course. I’ll see you in a few days, right?”

“Maybe tomorrow,” Alex answers with a coy smile.

“I look forward to it,” Ryan says and leans against the counter in a way that makes Alex shiver.

Alex pulls on his hat and steps out into the rain as he opens his umbrella.

…

 _“C’est mercredi!”_ Alex chirps excitedly from his desk chair. “My laptop died unexpectedly so I’m having to do my video from my desk, but I still answer your questions.”

He’s wrapped up in a too-big flannel shirt with his hair still sticking up from his shower. He clicks around until he opens his Twitter and the comments on yesterday’s video.

“You sent me so many questions,” he says, kind of astounded. “Okay, okay, here’s a good one: _What are some of the hardest things about having to use a second language every day?_

“ _Euh_ —well, a lot of times I start talking and don’t realize that I’m actually speaking French so people just stare at me until I remember and then I get embarrassed so I usually just say ‘forget it.’ Now: _What do you like on your pizza?_ I’m a vegetarian so I like green peppers and mushrooms and onions and olives on my pizza.”

Alex sighs and fiddles with one of the buttons on his shirt.

“ _Are you single and what is your perfect girl like?_ I am single, but I’m also gay. Yesterday I talked about what kind of man I prefer but I can talk about it some more. The guy at Tim Hortons brought me a tea latte because he thought I would like it and I didn’t even order it! He’s so cute and he’s so tall. I want him to wrap me up in his arms and kiss me and—oh I’ve said too much again.”

Alex covers his mouth and just knows his face is red. He tries not to laugh out of embarrassment and picks another questions.

“ _Do you like sports and if so, which team?_ I love hockey and my favorite team is the Canucks, but I also like the Canadiens. _Where did you grow up and do you ever get homesick?_ I grew up outside of Montreal and yes I do get homesick. I miss my sisters the most. _What’s your apartment like?_ ”

Alex glances around and shifts the computer so the camera catches a majority of the apartment. “It’s not much, but I love it. I wish I could paint my bedroom but I’ve hung up some pictures and prints instead. _How should someone approach you to ask you out?_ Well, I like the more creative ways so if they came up with a really special way to ask me out I would say yes immediately.”

He ruffles his hair and finds the most personal question he has ever received. “ _Are you a top or a bottom?_ I— _euh—_ suppose I would be a bottom but I wouldn’t say no if my partner wanted to switch. It might be interesting.”

Out of chagrin, he tucks his face against his shoulder and grins. He gives his watchers a wave and an, “ _À demain!_ ” before clicking _publish._

Alex waits until the clouds aren’t so ominous and does laundry in the meantime, sits in his armchair and folds his shirts and sweaters. He puts dishes in the dishwasher and straightens the picture frames on the shelves of his bookcase. Finally, the sun peeks through just slightly and Alex picks out one of his favorite scarves—silky and bright yellow—and heads out. It’s a quick walk to the Tim Hortons and he’s kind of vibrating with excitement. He knows he shouldn’t eat donuts two days in a row or really more than once a week but he wants to see Ryan and it’s the best excuse he can come up with.

When he gets there, Ryan is nowhere to be seen, but Kevin smiles and motions him up to the counter. “Ryan left you something on that table over there.”

Alex turns to see a little set up of another tea latte and a box of donuts waiting for him at the high-top table he’d sat at yesterday. He thanks Kevin, his cheeks pink, and heads over to the table. He pulls himself up into the chair and settles there comfortably. His hands shake just slightly as he opens the box. Six of his favorite donuts look back at him and there’s a word piped in icing on each of them.

_Will you go out with me?_

Alex covers his mouth and looks up just as Ryan peeks around the corner. He grins at him, waves him over. Ryan is tentative and he’s blushing, but he smiles eagerly.

“So?” He asks, hands in his pockets and his head ducked a little.

“My answer is yes,” Alex answers with feigned confidence because Ryan looks so scared.

Ryan’s smile is wide and sweet and Alex kind of wants to kiss him but they’re in Ryan’s workplace so Alex says, “Do you want to come to my place tonight?”

“Sure,” Ryan says, his excitement making something warm settle in Alex’s chest.

Ryan scribbles his phone number on a page of Alex’s notebook he pulls out of his bag and squeezes Alex’s fingers before he leaves. Alex watches him go with his heart racing and a smile on his face. He takes a picture of the donuts and smiles delightedly at the screen. He sits there for a long time and eats his donuts, letting the warmth of the tea mingle with the warmth of Ryan’s proposition.

He tears a page out of his notebook and writes: _enjoy the rest of the donuts for me –Alex_. He leaves the box on the counter while Kevin and Ryan are in the back and he can’t control the way he grins as he walks out of the store.

…

Alex texts Ryan his address and is sitting eagerly by the box to buzz him upstairs nearly twenty minutes before he’s supposed to arrive. But Ryan is there earlier than expected and Alex is maybe a little too quick to unlock the door for him. When Ryan knocks lightly, Alex smoothes his favorite cable-knit sweater and adjusts his scarf before he opens the door with hopefully a welcoming smile.

“Hey! I’m glad you made it.” He falls in love with Ryan even more when he smiles, absolutely swoons when Ryan brings a little bunch of flowers out from behind his back.

“They’re from my neighbor’s garden. She saw me fixing my shirt and asked where I was headed. I told her and she said that I couldn’t show up empty-handed. Do you like them?”

Alex nods furiously, can’t find his voice at first. “Yes, of course. Thank you.”

He motions for Ryan to follow him and smiles to himself when he hears the door shut and soft footsteps behind him. He lays the flowers on the counter and climbs up to retrieve the blue vase he had had for years and never anything to put in it. He starts when strong hands curl around his hips but glances around and Ryan smiles at him.

“I don’t want you to fall,” he says, keeps his hands on Alex as he climbs down.

“Thank you,” he says, ducks his head because he knows his cheeks are red.

He fills the vase with water and arranges the flowers in it carefully, smiles over at Ryan happily. He sits the vase on his little kitchen table and leans on one of the chairs.

“Are you hungry?”

Ryan tilts his head thoughtfully. “I could eat, but only if you eat.”

That simple statement fills Alex’s chest with delightful warmth and he just knows Ryan will be good for him. Alex pulls a chair into the kitchen and tells Ryan to sit. He cooks a simple pasta dish and talks all the while, wishes he could do this for the rest of his life. As he sits a pot in the sink, Ryan catches him around the waist and pulls him close.

“I just want to tell you how gorgeous you are. And that I would also really like to kiss you.”

Alex feels all the breath leave his lungs and tears prick at the corners of his eyes but he leans down anyway. Ryan’s lips are soft and smooth and taste like peppermint, his tongue is warm when it licks curiously at Alex’s mouth, but Alex refuses him entrance.

“Not just yet,” he supplies, stroking Ryan’s hair.

Ryan smiles up at him and Alex’s stomach settles. “Whatever you want is fine with me.”

Alex kisses him one more time, quick and chaste, and goes back to stirring the sauce. He doesn’t jump when Ryan wraps his arms around his waist, leans into the embrace and smiles at the little kiss left on his ear.

“I like your scarf. Where did you get it?”

He almost really does cry then, because the scarf he decided to wear had been the beginning of the end of his last relationship. His ex-boyfriend had berated Alex for the silky, flower-printed scarf he had saved weeks worth of paychecks to buy. It had unleashed a three week long maelstrom of abuse—mostly verbal, sometimes physical, always emotional—before Alex’s father intervened. It had taken a long time for Alex’s parents to accept his sexuality but when he showed up on their doorstep in tears with a black eye and a broken arm they had gotten over their differences to help him.

“I bought it online, but there’s more to the story. I’ll tell you while we eat,” Alex answers him, doesn’t dare look back at Ryan.

He expects Ryan to pull away and retreat, maybe make an excuse to leave, but all he does is kiss Alex’s neck and kind of nuzzle against his scarf. Alex lets out a shaking breath and just prays he doesn’t cry in front of Ryan on the first date.

His prayers go unanswered and he ends up sniffling and pushing tears out of his eyes after he tells Ryan everything. Ryan wipes his mouth and stands up, and Alex figures he’s leaving because who would want to stay to take care of someone so broken? But then there’s a box of tissues on the table and a chair scrapes across the floor and gentle arms around his shoulders. He leans into the touch and Ryan moves him closer, a hand coming up to cradle his head.

“It’s okay, sweetie, shhhh,” Ryan murmurs, stroking Alex’s hair.

He hates that he ends up curled into Ryan’s side, sobbing into the shoulder of his nice grey sweater, but Ryan never leaves him. He stays there, Alex half draped over his lap, and rubs his back.

“I’m so sorry,” he gasps once he has a little more control over himself.

Ryan presses a tissue into his hand, smoothes his hair. “It’s alright. Take some deep breaths.”

Alex hiccups kind of pathetically and looks at Ryan. “You can leave if you want.”

Ryan looks at him like he just punched his dog, and Alex doesn’t understand. He lets out a weird, shaking breath and feels like he’s going to cry again.

“No, no, no, please don’t cry. I just can’t believe you would think I wanted to leave just because you were upset. What kind of _almost_ -boyfriend would I be if I just abandoned you when you’re hurting?”

Alex does cry some more, but he leans against Ryan and thanks him in English and in French through fresh tears. Ryan kisses him on the head and holds his hand, running his thumb over his knuckles.

“I think I want you to be my for-sure-boyfriend,” Alex says, looking up at Ryan nervously.

Ryan just grins and when he kisses Alex it’s like something shimmers between them and Alex makes a happy noise. He reaches up to tangle his fingers in Ryan’s hair, lets his lips part just slightly at the gentle swipe of Ryan’s tongue. Ryan dips inside his mouth just barely and it lights up Alex’s nerves and he curls his toes into the laminate flooring of his kitchen.

“Okay?” Ryan pulls away to ask, stroking the sensitive spot behind Alex’s ear that makes him weak at the knees.

“Yes, yes, I like that,” Alex says, already leaning in for more.

After a moment, Ryan slips away to heat up Alex’s still-full plate of pasta and smiles at him from across the little kitchen. He drinks another half a glass of wine while Alex eats, holds the hand Alex isn’t using, and kisses his knuckles periodically.

Ryan starts telling him random things about himself and Alex commits them all to memory. “So my favorite color is green, I like dogs more than cats, I actually like Nicholas Sparks movies, I like to fish, I could probably look at you 24/7 and never get bored, and I think your eyes are beautiful.”

Alex _knows_ his cheeks are red, but he smiles and leans his head on Ryan’s shoulder.

They watch pointless television on the couch and Alex loves being able to curl up into Ryan’s side without fear of being pushed away. Instead, Ryan wraps his arm around Alex’s shoulders and holds him close. He smoothes his fingers over the fabric of Alex’s sweater and kisses the side of his head every now and then.

“Can I tell you something? Well…maybe a few things.”

Alex looks up at Ryan, let’s his hand rest on his thigh. “Sure.”

Ryan shifts a little to face Alex and he plays with the hair at the base of Alex’s neck. It makes him shiver.

“First of all, I want you to know that I’ve been attracted to you since you started coming into my store. Second, after what you’ve told me tonight, I don’t ever want to leave your side and I want to protect you from everything because you don’t ever deserve to be hurt, you should only be loved. And third, I’ve seen your videos.”

Alex is about to kiss Ryan, overcome with emotion for how sweet he’s being, until he finishes speaking. He freezes immediately and wants the ground to swallow him up because he remembers everything he said in his videos about Ryan and dating and sex and his past and…

“I still like you, baby,” Ryan laughs, kissing the corner of Alex’s mouth. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you but I wanted you to know ahead of time.”

“ _Mon Dieu,_ ” Alex mutters, hiding his face in Ryan’s chest. “Ryan, I talked about _you_ in some of those videos. This is so embarrassing.”

Ryan laughs heartily and it reverberates in Alex’s ears.

“It’s okay, I promise. Don’t be embarrassed because your videos were the reason I got the courage to ask you out!” Ryan cards his fingers through Alex’s hair, kissing his head.

Alex sits back quickly, stares up at him. “What are you talking about?”

“You said in one of your videos that you wanted someone to ask you out in a clever way. So that’s how I got the idea for the donuts,” Ryan admits, and Alex just grins.

He surges forward and kisses Ryan. Their noses bump and the kiss is a little lopsided, but Alex sits up on his knees and Ryan wraps his arms around his hips to hold him steady. Ryan smiles into the kiss and shifts so Alex has to lie back on the couch. He wraps his legs around Ryan’s waist when he leans up over him, brings his hands up to cup his jaw. Ryan is sweet when he kisses, hands settled on Alex’s waist, hips, or thighs, and he never invades Alex’s mouth further than he’s allowed.

They kiss for what feels like two hours and Alex wants so badly to get off, but he’s not ready for that with Ryan. He makes happy little sounds as Ryan kisses down his throat, could lay there forever and let Ryan have his way with him.

“I need to go home soon,” Ryan says, pulling Alex’s scarf away from his neck.

“Not yet,” Alex begs, tightens his legs around Ryan.

Ryan chuckles against his throat and Alex nearly moans. “Okay, I’ll stay for a little longer.”

Alex sighs when Ryan sucks on his neck, keens softly when he nibbles there. He whimpers and arches beneath Ryan when he puts renewed vigor into marking him. He’s seconds away from coming when Ryan stops, but then he bathes the mark with his tongue and Alex downright moans.

“Okay, I really have to go now,” Ryan says, leaning back and simultaneously sneaking a hand underneath Alex’s sweater.

He jumps, but Ryan’s hands are warm and the way he cups his hip is comforting. They extricate themselves from the couch and Alex walks Ryan to the door. Ryan has one foot out the door and he reaches out to grab Alex close. He makes an embarrassing squeak but goes willingly, makes a soft, content noise into Ryan’s farewell kiss.

“I’ll text you to let you know I get home safe. And maybe you’ll come by tomorrow to see me,” Ryan says, a hopeful tone in his voice that makes Alex smile.

He obviously wants to see Alex again and if that’s not something to smile about, then nothing is.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Alex replies with a coy smile. “Be safe.”

“Will do.” Ryan kisses Alex on the cheek and squeezes his fingers before he sets off down the hallway to the elevator.

Alex watches him go, doesn’t go back inside until Ryan blows him a kiss as the doors close.


	2. Chapter 2

“This video is going to be short, but I just want to talk about something. You all remember the guy I talked about the other day that works at Tim Hortons. Well, he asked me out and I invited him over to my apartment for dinner and it was hands-down the best night of my life. I told him all about my ex-boyfriend and he held me while I cried and I think he’s going to be good for me.”

Alex smiles at the screen and plays with the fringe of his scarf. “He wants to take me to lunch today, so this will be our third date, and I hope we have a hundred dates because he makes me happier than I have been in a long time. Go out and do something that makes you happy and I will see all of you tomorrow.”

He hits _publish_ and closes his laptop as he stands from his desk. His bell goes off and he grabs his bag as he runs to the door.

“Coming,” he says into the box as he unlocks the door.

“Okay, babe.” Ryan’s laugh comes through and it makes Alex grin.

He almost wants to take the stairs because the elevator takes too long for his liking, but soon he can see Ryan standing outside his building and he almost throws himself into his arms. Ryan laughs and catches him around the waist, lifts him up a little to kiss him, and Alex just moans happily into the kiss.

“ _Bonjour_ ,” Alex drawls, still smiling impossibly wide.

Ryan grins and leaves kisses all over Alex’s face, and he giggles delightedly. He curls his fingers around Alex’s, and Alex chatters as they walk down the street to the little tearoom Alex loves. He glances over at Ryan every now and then, finds him staring at him and smiling, and that makes him go warm all over. The tearoom is dim and relaxing and Alex automatically feels twice as confident in someplace he knows as well as his apartment. He could dance on his toes if there weren’t people watching so he settles with leading Ryan by the hand with a sweet smile over his shoulder.

They eat scones and little finger sandwiches and they drink vanilla black tea out of blue and white china teacups. Ryan seems to enjoy himself, smiles and prompts Alex to speak even after he realizes how much he had just babbled on and on without giving Ryan a chance. Alex gives in because of the way Ryan crooks his mouth and nudges his foot against Alex’s ankle.

“I want to take you somewhere else, if you’ve got time,” Ryan says, his strong arms wrapped around Alex’s hips as they stand on the sidewalk outside the tearoom.

Alex looks up at him and closes his eyes when Ryan kisses him on the nose. “I’m free all day.”

“Okay, just follow me,” Ryan tells him, kissing the corner of his mouth.

They hold hands and walk for a few minutes, Ryan wrapping his arm around Alex while they wait for traffic lights, and Alex gets excited the closer they get to the shops he frequents. Then, when Ryan stops and opens the door to his absolute favorite store, Alex can’t stop smiling.

“Hey, Alex! Haven’t seen you in a while,” the owner, a thirty-something woman named Bailey, calls from behind the counter. She straightens a stack of flyers on the counter. “Who’s that with you?”

“Hi, Bailey.” Alex looks back and takes Ryan’s hand. “This is Ryan, my boyfriend.”

Bailey raises her eyebrows, and butterflies flutter through Alex’s belly.

“Well, I suppose congratulations are in order.” She smiles at Alex and then turns her gaze to Ryan. “You’ll take care of him?”

“I’d give my life to keep him safe,” Ryan answers, and he looks confident when Alex glances over at him.

Bailey nods. “Good. Now, is there something I can help you with?”

Ryan supplies, “I brought him here to buy a new scarf.”

“I have plenty of scarves,” Alex says, turning to Ryan.

“But not one from me,” he says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, with such a nice smile it makes Alex’s insides go all gooey.

Alex leads him to the section solely for scarves and he glances over to see Bailey paying more attention to them than ringing up the other customer in the store. Ryan is good for reaching the scarves that are just a shade too high for Alex, but he also makes Alex feel so good about everything he picks out. He never says something is “too girly” or “too feminine” or “what are you, a woman?” and Alex could kiss him for that.

He’s glad he wore a plain sweater today, a dark blue sweater that feels more expensive than it was, because every scarf looks great against the simple front. Ryan gladly holds his scarf for him, stands at his side or retrieves anything Alex asks for. He’s quickly becoming the man Alex had always wished and hoped and prayed to find.

Then Ryan disappears for a moment and Bailey does as well, but Alex isn’t concerned. He slips a silky electric blue scarf over his head and situates it to his liking. Until Ryan reappears and is carrying a better blue scarf in his hands. It’s patterned like the Mexican blanket Alex has draped over one of the rungs of the antique ladder in his living room and he falls in love instantly.

He hangs the other scarf up and Ryan laughs when he makes grabby hands for the one in his hands. But Ryan doesn’t let him take it, snatches it back and folds it perfectly, wrapping it around Alex’s neck. It falls into place and Alex feels like his heart is too big for his chest.

“Ryan,” he murmurs, running the fringe through his fingers.

He turns and throws his arms around Ryan’s neck, kissing him full on the mouth several times. Ryan holds him close and steady and he just tries to climb higher in his arms. Then Ryan sets him back on his feet and gently pulls away, slips the scarf over his head just to rip the tag off. He slides it back around Alex’s neck.

“I’ll be right back,” he says, kisses Alex on the cheek.

He walks around a rack of women’s pants and heads to the register. He slides the tag across the counter and takes out his wallet, and Alex wants to jump around for how happy he is in this moment. Ryan still has his red scarf draped around his forearm, but he looks comfortable and not at all bothered as he tucks his credit card back in the slot. Alex slings his bag over his shoulder and goes to Ryan’s side, leans up to kiss him on the cheek in thanks. Ryan smiles at him before signing the receipt, then links their fingers.

“Enjoy your new scarf and your new man,” Bailey says with a wink, and Alex grins.

“I think I already am,” he answers with an answering wink.

Ryan laughs and keeps Alex tucked close to his side as they walk back to his apartment.

…

Alex is snuggled up against Ryan’s chest, dozing lightly as a movie plays on the TV at his back. He feels like he couldn’t be more relaxed if he tried, with Ryan’s fingertips dancing up and down his spine and making warmth spread throughout his limbs. It’s drizzling outside and he knows it’s late, but he can’t make himself let go of Ryan. The fabric of his t-shirt is too soft and his chest makes too good of a pillow to make him go home just yet.

Then Ryan kisses him on the forehead, soft and light to rouse him. “I don’t have to work tomorrow.”

“Mmm,” is Alex’s reply, his fingers curling into Ryan’s shirt.

“Maybe I could stay the night.”

The thought is very nice, Ryan bundled up in Alex’s bed with him, strong arms around his waist, drowsy kisses in the yolky morning sunlight, until Alex remembers something. He tries to make it seem like he’s not anxious, so he kisses Ryan’s jaw and sits up.

“I just have to change the sheets,” he supplies, but Ryan catches his hand.

“You don’t have to change the sheets for me, Alex. Besides, I can sleep on the couch.”

_Oh. Right._

Alex chews on his lip and hesitates. “You can sleep in my bed…if you want.”

Ryan smiles at him, all sweet and devastating, and Alex’s heart beats quicker. He nearly melts when Ryan kisses his knuckles.

“Only if you want me to,” he says.

“I’ll be right back,” Alex supplies, kisses Ryan on the cheek.

He definitely does not run into his bedroom and throw open the closet and pull down the extra comforter he kept from his old apartment. He nearly gags when he sees it again, pushes the tears and the bile away as he yanks the current duvet off his bed. He shakes the old comforter out and smoothes it onto his bed, tries his best not to throw up. But then he hears footsteps and can’t get the duvet gathered into his arms in time. Ryan picks it up and Alex watches in nondescript horror as he studies it. Ryan tilts his head to the side, eyebrows furrowing, and Alex just sits on his bed and cries.

“Holy sh—Alex, what’s wrong?”

Then Ryan’s in his line of sight, tilting his head up to look him in the eye, and Alex wishes things had never gone wrong.

“Baby, what’s the matter? Talk to me,” Ryan pleads, and Alex feels absolutely horrible.

He explains through his tears about the old comforter, how his ex-boyfriend bullied him into buying the blue and green plaid instead of a comforter with blue flowers because flowers were too feminine for a bedroom shared by two men. When Alex finally got away and moved, he bought all new things except the comforter somehow got packed up in his things. So he kept it stuffed on the top shelf of his closet out of view in case he ever needed an extra but had never taken it down. He hadn’t realized just seeing it could affect him in such a way.

Ryan reaches behind him and Alex watches him bring the duvet up to wrap around Alex. His new duvet was cream-colored with a bunch of big, bright flowers sprawling out from the center and the moment Alex laid eyes on it he was in love. It got softer with every wash and he hardly ever takes it off his bed.

“Stand up for me,” Ryan murmurs, guiding Alex away from the bed.

He stands near his dresser, still holding tight to the edges of the duvet, as Ryan rips the comforter off the bed and throws it into the hallway.

“I don’t want that thing near you anymore. I’ll take it down to my car and get rid of it tomorrow,” Ryan says, kissing Alex softly on the temple. “I don’t want you to be sad anymore. Is there anything else of his in your apartment?”

Alex shakes his head. “I don’t even know why I kept that.”

Ryan smoothes his hair and says, “It doesn’t matter. You don’t ever have to see it again.”

Alex actually smiles, and Ryan cups his face in his hands and kisses him.

“I’ll be right back,” he whispers, and Alex nods.

While Ryan is gone, Alex does change the sheets to a pair of soft blue cotton ones that he loves. His bed is the place he spends the second most amount of time, his armchair being the first, and he prides himself on making it as comfortable as possible. His headboard is upholstered in light-colored organic twill and the low height makes him feel so safe and warm in his bed. He finds a pair of sweatpants for Ryan to borrow and changes into his pajamas before he comes back.

He jumps when Ryan wraps his arms around him from behind, shivers when those hands slid down his hips.

“You’re gorgeous,” Ryan murmurs, kissing Alex’s neck.

Alex whimpers when one of Ryan’s hands slips lower onto his thigh.

“I never thought I would be so in to seeing you in these.” He smoothes his hand over the fabric of Alex’s leggings and Alex trembles in his arms. “It’s sexy as hell.”

“I don’t wear them because they’re sexy,” Alex forces out, and he feels Ryan smile against his throat.

“I figured as much, but I still think you’re hot in them.”

Alex is so thankful his shirt falls over his erection because he sits down cross-legged on his bed so his legs don’t give out. “I get cramps in my legs at night and these keep my legs warm so I don’t get as many.”

Ryan nods and leans down to kiss Alex on the forehead. “I don’t care what you wear, alright? You are the sweetest person I’ve ever met, and nothing you wear or buy or enjoy will change my feelings for you. Okay?”

Alex nods quickly and he smiles when Ryan rubs his thumb underneath his eye to catch the tears forming. Ryan doesn’t hesitate when he undoes his jeans to change into the sweatpants, and Alex is sure he nearly comes at the sight of Ryan in his boxer briefs.

“You can stare. It’s part of figuring out our feelings for one another. I don’t mind,” Ryan says, and Alex actually laughs out loud at the statement.

He rolls over to muffle his giggles in the duvet, feels absolute joy pulse through his veins, and wishes every day of his life had been like this. The bed shifts as Ryan crawls up over him, and he squeals embarrassingly when Ryan scratches his stubble against his neck.

“Stop,” he shouts, trying to wriggle away from Ryan, but he’s too strong.

“No, you’re my prisoner,” Ryan growls, trapping him under the weight of his body.

He kisses and nibbles on Alex’s neck, and Alex cries out with laughter. He pushes against Ryan’s chest, but he’s weak with delight and tears are slipping down his cheeks in happiness rather than sadness.

Ryan reaches up to put his hand beside Alex’s head, and Alex flinches despite himself. He closes his eyes because he knows what he did and he doesn’t want to see Ryan’s face. He sucks in a quiet breath when Ryan kisses his cheek.

“Look at me, baby,” he hears Ryan whisper, soft and gentle.

He opens his eyes and meets Ryan’s, warm brown and comforting.

“It may take time, but know that I will never intentionally cause you harm in any way. I’m willing to earn your trust no matter how long it takes. And I would rather die than have you fear me.” He smoothes Alex’s hair down and traces the shell of his ear.

Alex can’t find his voice so he just nods, closes his eyes when Ryan’s kisses his forehead. After a moment, he looks up at him and Ryan nuzzles his cheek.

“Let’s get under this amazing comforter,” he whispers, and Alex has to smile.

As soon as they are under the duvet, Ryan pulls Alex close and kisses him. He whimpers kind of excitedly when Ryan guides his leg up over his hip and holds onto his shoulders when Ryan slides his thigh between his own. They kiss lazily for a few minutes until Alex’s yawn interrupts them and Ryan chuckles.

“’m sorry,” Alex mumbles, tucking his face against Ryan’s chest.

“It’s okay,” he says, kissing all over Alex’s face until he laughs. “You’re just tired.”

Alex tries his hardest to stay awake, but the way Ryan strokes his fingertips down his temple makes him too sleepy to fight it. He sleeps better than he ever has before and he wakes slowly, warm with the covers tucked around him. Ryan isn’t in bed, but he hears things clinking in the kitchen and smiles. He grabs the too-big cardigan hanging on a knob on his dresser and slips it on as he pads out into the apartment. Ryan is at the stove, t-shirt clinging perfectly to his muscles and sweatpants riding low on his hips. Alex hasn’t felt the slow, warm pooling of arousal in a while and it almost startles him. He creeps up to Ryan and leans against his back, delights in the way he jumps.

“You’re so quiet,” he says, a smile in his voice as he turns to wrap an arm around Alex’s waist.

He kisses Alex on the forehead, and Alex snuggles up to his side. “What’re you making?”

“Eggs and bacon,” Ryan answers as he pushes the eggs around the pan. “How do you like them?”

“However you like them,” Alex says, looking up at Ryan with a tired smile.

Ryan smiles at him and kisses him between the eyes. “Go sit down and I’ll bring it to you.”

Alex goes willingly to the table and folds his legs underneath him in the chair to wait. When Ryan comes over, two plates in his hands, Alex can’t help but smile because he’d waited years for this. Someone who woke up before him to make him breakfast and didn’t demand sex from him every night and held his hand instead of hitting him if he talked back. This was what he wanted and it’s what he got.


	3. Chapter 3

“I saw you had a pair in your closet so I checked your size and ordered these.” Ryan hands him a box and Alex opens it to find a pair of white TOMS. “And I saw online that people customize their shoes by painting them so I thought you might want to do that to yours.”

Alex hugs Ryan, shifts to sit close and drape his leg over Ryan’s. “What should I paint on them?”

Ryan chews his lip thoughtfully and then grins at him. “Well, since we both love the Canucks, I decided to stash away some money to buy us tickets to a game soon. Maybe you could paint them blue and green?”

“Ryan, you don’t have to buy me so many things. You make so little money and I haven’t gotten you anything since we started dating and—”

“I don’t need you to buy me things, first of all,” Ryan says, his finger on Alex’s lips kind of comically. “Second of all, I _want_ to buy you things. I _need_ to buy you things. It makes me feel like I’m taking care of you and, besides, I got a little raise recently so I have some extra cash to save for spoiling you.”

He kisses Alex on the neck, and Alex shrieks with laughter at the scratchiness of his beard. He tries to push Ryan away, but to no avail. He’s firmly planted in Ryan’s lap now and cuddles up to his chest since he’s there.

“You take care of me in other ways too, you know. You hold me when I cry and you always make sure I eat enough and you give me your jacket when I’m cold and you never make me sleep alone if I’m scared and all of those things mean ten times more than any material object could. I love the things you buy me and I can’t wait to paint my shoes, but don’t worry if you can’t buy me a new scarf or tickets to a game because I love you for everything else you do for me.”

Ryan tilts his head and smiles at him. “You love me?”

Alex gasps and covers his mouth with his hands, wishes for a moment he could take it back. Until Ryan pushes his hands away and kisses him, firm and sweet and convincing. He melts into Ryan’s embrace, whimpers softly into the kiss and winds his arms around Ryan’s neck. He makes a quiet, desperate noise when Ryan’s tongue dips inside his mouth, and moans appreciatively when he doesn’t push further. Then Ryan pulls away just an inch and Alex shivers when his breath hits his mouth. He opens his eyes and Ryan’s looking back at him, brown eyes crinkling around the edges when he smiles. Alex has to kiss him again, swipes his tongue around his lips but retreats quickly. Ryan leans back again and leaves a firm kiss on the Cupid’s bow of Alex’s lips.

“I love you too,” Ryan whispers, kissing Alex softly on the cheek three times. “More than you could even imagine.”

The phrase is simple and Ryan just kisses his temple afterwards, but Alex suddenly feels lighter than he has in years. He rests his head on Ryan’s shoulder and closes his eyes for a moment. He realizes something when he nearly dozes off, reaches for Ryan’s hand.

“I haven’t had a nightmare since we started dating,” he says, looks up when Ryan tilts his head away to see him.

“Did you have them frequently before?”

Alex nods and tamps down the urge to shudder. Ryan’s arms tighten around him and he can relax minutely. He accepts a little kiss and settles down to finish their show.

…

“Are you being sure?”

Alex fidgets and pulls his sweater down a little in the back. Ryan laughs and cups his hands around his jaw, tilts his head back.

“You look cute and you’re just running to the store down the street. You’ll be fine,” Ryan tells him, kissing his forehead.

He had always envied the girls around the city wearing big, cozy sweaters over a pair of leggings with boots, and Ryan had finally convinced him it wouldn’t be awful to just wear it to the store.

So Alex pulls on his boots and grabs his bag, and Ryan kisses him before he leaves. He breathes deeply and tries to think about the exact colors he needs to paint his shoes and what paintbrushes would be the best. It’s almost nice when he walks into the corner craft store and the girl at the counter smiles at him. He finds the paint easily and searches on his phone for a moment to find a picture of the jersey to compare colors.

It takes a few minutes but he finally decides on royal blue and kelly green and picks a variety pack of paintbrushes. The girl at the cash register is sweet and Alex almost wants to hug her when she tells him she loves his sweater. He just grins and thanks her and takes his bag.

As he takes a few steps out onto the sidewalk, he thinks he just might wear his favorite grey leggings with a blue sweater out for lunch tomorrow when someone presses up against his back. He immediately goes still and holds his breath.

“Hey, sugar, you want to come home with me?”

Alex feels the man’s hand slide around to grasp his thigh and he yelps despite himself. He jerks out of his grasp and turns to face him, wishing he had his keys out.

The man’s face distorts into something ugly. “You’re not a girl, just a fucking faggot. Get out of here, cocksucker.”

He spits at Alex’s feet and laughs when his eyes fill with tears. Alex darts away and runs the rest of the way to his apartment, tries not to trip when he can’t even see clearly. He mashes his code into the keypad and makes it into the elevator before he breaks down. Somehow, he makes it to the door and drops his things, pushing tears out of his eyes with his sleeve as he digs for his keys. The door opens before he can find them and strong arms scoop him off the ground.

They’ve spent enough time together that Ryan doesn’t even ask. Alex clings to his shoulders, damp and smooth from the shower, and sobs when he tries to lay him on the sofa.

“Let go, baby. I have to get your bag,” he says so Alex loosens his grip.

He listens to Ryan’s thumping footsteps head toward the door and then back and into the bedroom. They return and he’s lifted again. His sobs have diminished into something like pathetic hiccups as he’s settled in Ryan’s lap.

“What can I do?” Ryan asks, holding Alex so close and tight it makes him calmer by the second.

He tries to catch his breath, but it comes out in little hitching gasps. Ryan rests a hand at the base of Alex’s throat and he looks up at him, chest tight and heaving.

“It’s okay,” Ryan says, voice even-keeled and comforting. “You’re safe.”

Alex tries to nod and steady his breath, but it comes out in a racking cough and he starts to cry again. Ryan pulls him impossibly closer and presses him to his chest.

“Breathe with me, okay? Try your best.”

His ear pressed to Ryan’s chest, Alex listens as he takes a breath and he does try his best to follow. But it stutters in his lungs and it hurts so he coughs. Ryan rubs his back and keeps his breathing deep and steady, and slowly, so slowly Alex can do the same.

He’s so grateful that Ryan doesn’t ask, just shifts him from his lap and heads to the kitchen. There’s some clinking and rustling and then he returns to slide a blanket off the ladder and wrap it around Alex’s shoulders.

“Do you need anything?”

Alex shakes his head, wipes his eyes with his sleeve. “ _Non, merci._ ”

Ryan kisses him on the forehead and rounds the couch again to the kitchen. Alex yawns and just curls up in the corner of his couch to rest. He holds the blanket close and tries to relax until Ryan comes back to set something on the end table. Alex peeks out at him. There’s a mug of something steaming next to him and he smiles up at Ryan.

“Let me sit with you, sweetie,” Ryan says, but he lifts Alex before he can shift over.

He just holds Alex while he sips his tea, letting the warmth of the mug soothe him. He enjoys the soft kisses Ryan leaves on his cheek and temple, and some of the heaviness in his chest lifts.

After a little while, Alex gets up to use the bathroom and when he returns, Ryan has dragged the kitchen chairs into the living room and draped Alex’s duvet over them. His bed has been stripped of pillows and all of the blankets in the room are piled under the shelter, and Ryan is kneeled inside creating a little pallet.

“Hey, the Canucks game is coming on in fifteen minutes,” Ryan explains, crawls out to head back into the kitchen.

There’s another mug of tea steeping and Ryan throws a bag of popcorn in the microwave and Alex feels like he might cry again. He’s overcome with a pleasant tightness in his chest and he jogs into the kitchen to pull Ryan into a hug. He’s easily three inches shorter than Ryan but he stands on his toes and grips his shoulders so tight he might leave bruises. But Ryan just sighs softly against his neck and wraps his arms around his waist.

When Alex leans back, he smiles shakily, and Ryan wipes his thumbs underneath his eyes.

“Don’t cry, baby doll. Smile for me?”

Alex has to smile because Ryan’s hand drifts down to sneak under his sweater and tickle his side. He jerks away from the touch but giggles despite himself. Ryan grins, wide and gorgeous, and Alex spins on his toes to walk back into the living room. If he puts a little more sway in his hips, it’s completely accidental and he doesn’t mean to make Ryan groan obscenely behind him.

He kneels at the mouth of the fort, positioned perfectly so that they can lie on the floor and see the television. The Canucks’ pregame is already on and Alex climbs under the blankets to wait for Ryan. He doesn’t feel nearly as upset as earlier, can smile easily when Ryan peeks under the duvet, and he sits up to take the mug of tea from him.

Ryan sits a bowl of popcorn on the blankets and produces two giant candy bars from under a pillow. Alex grins and takes a sip of his tea, the perfect temperature and the perfect amount of sugar and he kind of wants to kiss Ryan. But Ryan is shoving a handful of popcorn in his mouth and Alex decides this is exactly what he’d always wanted. He lounges next to Ryan and doesn’t feel obligated to press against his side or kiss him or do anything besides eating popcorn and drinking his tea and screaming at the television.

By the third period, the popcorn is gone, the candy bars are demolished, and Alex has two cups of tea in him. He’s warm and tucked against Ryan, using his chest as a pillow, and very sleepy.

“As I was leaving the store, a man grabbed me and asked me to come home with him,” Alex says, still watching the game through drooping eyes. “When he realized I wasn’t a woman, he called me a ‘faggot’ and spit at my feet.”

He feels Ryan go rigid under him.

“Oh, Alex,” he whispers, tilting his head up to kiss him on the forehead.

Alex looks up at him and closes his eyes for a moment when Ryan cups his cheek in his hand.

“Please, _please_ don’t let them hurt you. You are perfect and funny and compassionate and beautiful and _I love you._ I don’t want ignorant people ruin your view of yourself because they don’t know the Alex that I know. My Alex is handsome and strong and teaches me something new every single day. Remember that and forget the negativity because anything that doesn’t make you smile should not be given the time of day.”

Alex leans up and kisses Ryan firmly on the mouth. He crawls over him and settles on his hips, hands framing Ryan’s face. He actually laughs when Ryan rolls him over onto his back, wraps his legs around his waist, and enjoys Ryan’s soft little kisses.

Ryan doesn’t push him, keeps his hands in less questionable places, and Alex is more responsive for it. He arches and whimpers for him and is desperate for any friction. Ryan leans back and looks at him and it makes Alex’s entire body flush with heat.

“What do you want?” He asks, sweet and genuine and it makes Alex less nervous.

He says nothing, but guides Ryan over him again, wriggles so one of Ryan’s knees is between his legs. The second he grinds against him Ryan groans and leans to capture his lips again. Alex doesn’t realize until a minute later that the desperate sounds are coming from him but the way Ryan is making tiny little whimpering noises into his mouth lets him know they aren’t unappreciated.

After long, torturous minutes, Alex feels like he’s right on the edge of something very good but his hips are getting tired and he can’t catch his breath. Ryan seems like he’s close, gasping his name and muscles jerking periodically. Alex shifts his leg so Ryan rubs against it more fully and smiles when he gets louder.

“ _Allez, chéri, venu pour moi,_ ” he says, lips brushing Ryan’s jaw.

He makes a happy sound when Ryan catches his lips again, swipes his tongue out against Ryan’s lips, and swallows the choked, desperate noise. Ryan comes with a soft little whine against Alex’s mouth and his hips jerk forward against his thigh.

Alex smiles when Ryan kisses him softly on the corner of his mouth.

“What do you want me to do?” He asks, fingers sliding up underneath Alex’s sweater.

Alex hesitates for a moment and debates. He wants this with Ryan, but he isn’t sure if he wants it now.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Ryan says, stroking Alex’s hair off his forehead.

“I want you,” he trails off but Ryan’s eyes are warm and comforting and so full of love that he feels ready to burst. “Let’s go to bed.”

Ryan smiles and kisses the corner of his mouth. Alex drags the duvet back into the bedroom and Ryan grabs the pillows. When it’s all put back together, Ryan crawls up after Alex and kisses him softly. He touches the hem of Alex’s burgundy sweater.

“Can I…?”

Alex smiles at his hesitance and nods. “Yeah.”

He sits up so Ryan can pull the shirt over his head and his undershirt follows. Ryan eases him back onto the bed and his lips are automatically attached to the soft skin of his throat. He’s achingly hard and Ryan is only driving him past the point of no return with the way his fingertips ghost across the waistband of his leggings. Alex can hear himself whining and whimpering and he squirms against Ryan, solid and heavy above him.

“So impatient,” Ryan chuckles, tucking his fingers under Alex’s waistband as he kisses him.

“If you would just— _ugh—_ move on,” Alex groans when Ryan pulls away.

Ryan gives him a naughty smile that makes Alex’s stomach flip. “All you had to do was ask.”

Alex can’t even bring himself to feel shy when Ryan strips him completely because then he’s rolling to his feet to rid himself of his own clothes. The unabashed arousal in Ryan’s eyes, pupils blown wide and golden brown sparkling, reassures him and any leftover doubt is smothered with the messy kiss he receives.

“Oh my god, you’re gorgeous,” Ryan moans, his new erection rubbing against Alex’s hip.

He frames Ryan’s face with his hands and strokes his cheeks. “And I’m yours. _J'appartiens à tu.”_

The smile that blooms on Ryan’s face is tender and his kiss tastes like something spicy drenched in honey.

Ryan spends most of their time mapping out the curves and dips of Alex’s body, how his breathing heavies when he kisses the insides of his thighs, and the way he smiles when he laves his tongue across the bruises he leaves.

“I like this side of you,” Ryan coos when Alex demands plainly for Ryan to _hurry it up, please._

Alex scowls at him, but is pacified when Ryan reaches for the lube on the nightstand. He may have not had enjoyable sexual encounters in the past but Alex appreciates a great night when it comes his way (which it hadn’t for nearly three years). Ryan guides his leg up over his shoulder and Alex makes an eager sound when a cool finger touches him.

All Ryan does is massage Alex’s prostate but it elicits the sweetest noises from him and it exhausts him after how hard his hips work for a little more friction. Alex knows he sounds so desperate but Ryan kisses his belly and he hears him say,

“You sound so nice for me, baby, keep going.”

That alone makes Alex downright moan and his thighs tense and he comes with a gasping cry that rattles down his spine. Ryan leaves gossamer kisses on his hip, worries a tiny bruise there as Alex pants and shakes in the aftershocks. He drags his fingertips down Alex’s side as he takes his hand away, and Alex makes a pitiful noise.

“Shhhh,” he kisses the side of Alex’s face. “Let’s get a shower.”

His legs are shaky and unsteady and his hips ache a little but he leans on Ryan under the warm water. He gets gentle kisses and likes the way Ryan’s big hands settle heavily on his hips and backside. The water lets him wrap his fingers around Ryan and reduce him to little more than a moaning mess with very impatient wandering hands. But he enjoys how desperately Ryan grabs him, smiles at the way Ryan buries his face in his shoulder. The sounds he makes when he comes are music to Alex’s ears and he commits them to memory because hearing Ryan so raw and open is beautiful.


End file.
